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New Name... [09 Feb 2004|03:26pm]
watch_y0u_bleed

Yeah...

Fuck this Livejournal...

-Ron
1 Reason My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

I read back in this journal.... [09 Feb 2004|02:33pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

And i seriously feel like a fucking emo faggot... I was going to go back and delete every entry.... Too much work... Im just making a new livejournal... Ill post up the new name when its done...

Sorry to everyone who had to deal with my stupid depressed bullshit... It wont happen again...

-Ron

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Bored... [09 Feb 2004|11:31am]
[ mood | bored ]

And in school...Lol..

Yeah..

So whos going to the Divinity show?...

-Ron

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

... [08 Feb 2004|12:51pm]
[ mood | blank ]

It just doesnt matter...

-Ron

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

.... [07 Feb 2004|09:18am]
[ mood | depressed ]

This used to be a private entry...




Yeah....

<33...

We had a big talk yesterday... I really didnt want to tell her i loved her... I really didnt... But i felt like i had to after she asked me... I dont know... I dont see anything cheering me up for awhile... Because its like right now, all i want is to be with her.. And i cant have that, and i cant just totally give up... Because i dont want to ruin anything we could have down the line...

I dont know, i dont want to feel sad... i dont want to feel lonely and depressed... But i cant help it, every time i see her... Everytime i talk to her... It just hits me like crazy... Im stupid...

And its so hard waiting like this... God knows how long it will be before she ever wants to date me again... If she ever ends up dating me again...

And if she doesnt... I cant blame her... Im an idiot and i ruined this whole chance i had... I was never happier at any point in time then that month... And now that its ended... I dont know where to go from here... I cant like anyone else, its just not happening any time soon...<333... And i dont know if she likes anyone else, or will end up liking anyone else before anything happens... And i dont know why these things happen to me... I wish i didnt care, i wish i could just stop having feelings for people... Maybe i wouldnt feel this way now...

Because this is a very lonely state im in right now... I just want to be happy..

That's all...

I dont even get to hang out with her... At all... Theres always something that ends up ruining our plans... I dont know... it just all sucks... Nothing i feel matters at this point... Its all just a hope...

Im sorry for ever feeling this way... Im sorry for caring about her... Im sorry for being lonely without her... Im sorry for wanting to see her... Im sorry for ever thinking i could be happy for more than a month... I dont know... I just want to collapse... I dont know what... Im just not gonna talk to anyone about this... I just need to deal with this myself... I cant have Grace, Jessica, Fran or anyone being bothered with this... Just deal with it Ron...

I cant say i didnt try...

-Me

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [06 Feb 2004|02:59pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Today was pretty good... Not great... Not bad...

Going to practice in a few minutes... Just kinda hanging out at Rons until then...

I made a picture site...

public.fotki.com/FrozenInSilence

Im still adding to it but thats it so far...

Band is going really good... I love going to practice more than anything...

Yeah... Thats it..

Dont respond if u have something negative to say cuz i just dont want to fuckin hear it...

Talk to everyone later..

-Ron

Question of the Day:
"Know any guitarists?"

Quote of the Day:
"Fixation on the darkness
It comes in whirls"-KillSwitch Engage

2 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah.... [06 Feb 2004|11:24am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Fuck You...</3.. I made all my "Private" entries Public... The "Private" ones had "-Me" at the end of each one... Whatever... Im done with people... -Ron

3 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [05 Feb 2004|11:01pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I dont care, im updating this i dont even care anymore....

Im sick of everything...
Im sick of being lied to... Im sick of caring and not having anyone care back...
Im done with this... Im sick of being ditched, being cursed at..
Im sick of being punished for others problems..
Im sick of having to be depressed and not be able to do anything about it...

Its all too much for me...
Its all just bullshit...

Nothing i say or do for anyone is good enough... So whatever... im fucking done...

Im done being so sweet and nice to people and getting shit in return...

Getting "fuck you" in return...

Fuck this... Its fuckin bullshit and thats it... I cant handle this, i cant handle caring about her, and having her tell me she likes me... but not want to date me or not want to hang out with me... Its all just over... I cant handle this...

I hate it... And im not letting myself feel like that anymore.. So fuckin forget everything...

Forget everything i ever said about anything reguarding a relationship.... Forget anything i ever said about caring about anyone... Its done...

Its pointless for me to even attempt dating anyone... Its gonna get fucked up no matter what... Thats just my luck...

So im just letting go... letting go of every thought of ever having a decent relationship with anyone... Especially her... Because i cant put myself through this...

I cant wait and see and hope that maybe she'll realize something... And change her mind... because i know it wont happen... And i was just kidding myself if i ever thought otherwise..

Whatever... its all done now... My feelings are numbed... And my emotions shattered...

Everything is done...

Whoever it is out there that doesnt want to see me happy... I hope your enjoying this...

Fuck you...

-Ron

Question of the Day:
"Why?"

Quote of the Day:
"No more threats
Just walk the other way"-Throwdown

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

So... [05 Feb 2004|12:10pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Im not doing this journal any more...

I really dont want people knowing how im feeling right now...</3 I dont know... .... .....I just dont know anymore What do to... What to think.. Anything... </3.. Dont ask about the music... -Ron

1 Reason My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [03 Feb 2004|09:23pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Whatever...

I guess this is just how shit goes...

Nothing i can do about anything... I hate being a good person sometimes..

I really do...</3... I cant take this... Its horrible.. wtrgerregioer'uoerhbn;'ORdoisadfnho;iunh;fuiofgnbgw;euioweabge;uogffhgbnhioadfhio Yeah... Ill talk to everyone later... -Ron Question of the Day: "Why?" Quote of the Day: "Please take these hands Throw them in the river Dont let me drown"-Thursday

2 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Whatever... [03 Feb 2004|12:57pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Forget it...

....

</33... -Ron

1 Reason My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

It just doesnt matter... [02 Feb 2004|12:11am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Nothing matters to me right now...

My emotions, everything im feeling... Nothing...

Matters... At all...

Its really starting to seem like my brain has no part in my thoughts right now...

I dont know... I wish i did.... I wish i knew what was going to happen...

Im hoping for the best right now, ive got nothing left to go with...

I feel like i care too much... But i just cant help it... <333...

I just dont get it... Why?...

-Ron

2 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [01 Feb 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

New lyrics for everyone....

I havent wanted to do much else besides sit in my room, listen to music, and write lyrics...

I miss us...</3>B r ok e n T ho u g h t s</h3>

Regaining conciousness, seems so clear

This torn existence, only unstable visions
The ground never seemed so comforting

So helpless in sorrow without choice
When your heart has taken over
Hold my breath, i've lost the will...
Now and forever, until the pain is gone

The darkened presence blinds my hope
So hold my feelings, in a windowless room
Secluded from the outside world
Just know they'll always be there

Now, put these emotions on the line
They're only tearing me apart

Just ignore these broken thoughts
Mend them together, with meaning
Just ignore this broken thought
I cant refuse this feeling

Take your emotions off the line
They only leave me torn apart

Drowning in a tidal wave
Of misery and thoughtlessness
Silence deafens my last prayer
beating in twos, gasp for breath

The darkened presence blinds my hope
So hold my feelings, in a windowless room
Secluded from the outside world
Just know they'll always be there


Like them or not... Comment...

These mean alot to me..

-Ron

Question of the Day:
"On a scale from 1-10?"

Quote of the Day:
"So arch your back, and flip your hair
Make eye contact, You know i care"-From Autumn to Ashes

6 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah.... [01 Feb 2004|05:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]

New lyrics...

I couldnt write about anything else...

<3... What is wrong with me...

Regaining conciousness, seems so clear
This torn existence, only unstable visions
The ground never seemed so comforting
So helpless in sorrow without choice
When your heart has taken over
Hold my breath, i've lost the will...
Now and forever, until the pain is gone

The darkened presence blinds my hope
So hold my feelings, in a windowless room
Secluded from the outside world
Just know they'll always be there

So Put these emotions on the line
They're only tearing me apart
Just dont mind these broken thoughts
Mend them together, with sincerity


Why am i feeling this way...

Her company would do so much for me right now...

God, what is wrong with me....</33333 -Me

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

[01 Feb 2004|02:55am]
[ mood | depressed ]

DO YOU...
*Like to give hugs?: Only to certain people...
*Like to walk in the rain?: No way..
*Sleep with or without clothes on?: Without..
*Prefer black or blue pens?: Black...
*Have a job?: Not now..
*Sleep on your side, tummy or back?: Anything but back, thats so uncomfortable..
*Think you're attractive?: Not in the slightest..
*Want to marry?: Not sure...
*Have a goldfish?: Noooo..
*Ever have the falling dream?: Yeah...
*Have stuffed animals?: Only my cartman and chucky dolls =\...
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
*Abortion: Not my decision.. Im not carrying the baby..
*Eating disorders: ....?
*Rape: Anyone who rapes someone should be shot and killed... Its just wrong...
*Suicide: Not for me... Pointless..
*South Park: Pretty funny show...
*Make-up: Well, i dont wear it =\..
*Drinking: Once in awhile...

LOVE LIFE?
*Do you have a crush/love interest: Doesnt matter..
*Whats his or her age: Doesnt matter..
*How long have you liked him or her: Doesnt matter..
*If you could kiss them right now would you: Doesnt matter..
*If you could have sex with them right now would you: Doesnt matter..
*Do you prefer being the dumper or the dumpee: Neither...
*Do you think there is a person for everyone: Probably..
*If yes, do you know who yours is: Nobody does...
*Do you believe in love at first sight: I dont know...
*Have you ever been in love: Yeah...
*Do you think it lasts forever: No...
*Do you want to get married?: Not sure...
*How many times: Once if any...

PAST...
*First grade teacher's name: Fuck if i remember..
*Last word you said: "Stupid fuckin computer"...Ok its three words, but i said it fast..
*Last song you sang: My own song..."Marching Towards Madness"
*Last meal you ate: Tacos...
*Last person you flipped off: I dont remember...
*Last time you had an injury that made you bleed: Not sure... Probably skating..
PRESENT...
*What color socks are you wearing: None..
*What's under your bed: Shoeboxes and clothes...
*What's the weather like: Cold and snowy...
*What is on your wall: My sling from when i broke my arm, and posters..
*What time did you wake up today: Like 8...
FUTURE...
*When do you want to marry: I dont know if i want to... But i'll know when/if i do...
*Do you want kids? Maybe...I dont know..
*Are you going to college: Probably not...
*If so, how long do you want to go: Dont know...

-Ron

2 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [31 Jan 2004|09:41pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Its 9:41 right now... And i cant sleep...

Whenever im thinking about anything i cant fall asleep...

I dont feel like making yet another private post...

So ill leave this one public..

I'm trying to be optimistic, and hope things work out for me..

But i dont wanna set myself up for a dissapointment in case they dont...=\

I dont know... Hope for the best i guess...

-Ron

Question of the Day:
"Did you go to Dillinger?"

Quote of the Day:
"Would have traded life for you
Found in you, no wrong
Broken promise, say a prayer for me"-God Forbid

2 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [31 Jan 2004|07:18pm]
[ mood | sad ]

So Grace couldnt hang out...

So i decided i needed to take a walk, get out of the house...

Right before i leave, my dad calls.. And im like hoping maybe he'll say something to cheer me up..

No..He calls to let me know what a fuck up i am.. And tells me im going nowhere in life... Real thoughtful... I didnt expect that kind of putdown from him...

I hate this...

I miss her... Yeah i know i saw her just yesterday but its not the same...

I miss knowing i have her, i miss being at her house and nothing can bother me because shes there with me, i miss being happy and knowing how lucky i was to have her... I hate this... This feeling of emptiness..

I dont want to feel this way anymore, but theres nothing i can do to change it...

It doesnt take much to make me happy, thats how i know things are bad with me right now... Because im not... I just wish things would start looking up for me..

And stay that way, for once....Just once i wish things would stay good for me, just for a little while....

I was so happy with Grace, and i did everything possible to not lose her... But it happened anyway... Its almost inevitable that stuff gets ruined for me... Like i dont know...

I dont know anything...

I hate thinking, i hate being able to think... Because i do alot of thinking...

And the more i think, the more i think shes probably going to never want to go back out with me...

I dont know...

My optimism is running really short right now... I dont even bother hoping anymore...

Theres nothing i can do... Im just kind of blah...

Sitting in my room.. Listening to music...

This is becoming repititive...</3... -Me

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Yeah... [31 Jan 2004|05:15pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I just dont want to think about it...

But i cant...

Its something i cant shake..

I would give anything to be with her right now...

...

What is wrong with me...

-Me

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

I just dont know... [31 Jan 2004|12:16am]
[ mood | confused ]

I dont know anything anymore...

And its really a whirlwind of emotions inside of me...

I miss us... </3... Tonight reminded me of everything i had... And i miss it... Alot... And it kills me to be with her, but not be with her at the same time... I know shes figuring things out, and its really not her fault... I dont blame her... It still is rough in any event... I dont know... I dont understand anything... I dont know at all... I was alright there, until she put on Autumns Monologue.. Music always seems to have a way with my emotions, especially if its hitting on the one im feeling... And that song is all i've been listening to as of late... And i almost collapsed when i heard it, and saw her at the same time... It was like me realizing alot of things... That song seems to be my breaking point... Its the same as when i hear it in my room... It reminds me of her so much, and it reminds me of everything... And seeing her and hearing it at the same time... And us hugging and kissing at the same time... I was like in awe... I couldnt have missed us more at any moment in time... ... I really cant describe it, even if i tried... Because it was like, i miss that... Not having that... Not knowing that she is my girlfriend and i can care about her and i dont have to worry about anything... But now its not the same... Sure, we still act almost the same, but its not... Its different, and its like a blank spot in me... So much emotion hits me everytime we kiss... Its like nothing ive ever felt before... And its really catching me offguard... Its not a bad thing, its such a strong feeling... And its i dont know... I really wish i just knew what she was feeling and thinking... Because i never know that to think... And i try not to assume because i wont set myself up for a letdown... I cant do it to myself.. Who knows if we'll ever end up going back out... Its not up to me, but God knows im not going to ask her back out... I doubt i can handle another rejection... That destroys my self esteem, which im trying to build back up... I dont know, shed probably have to bring it up to me... I dont know... Im just kind of pleh right now... I dont know what to think or how to feel.. Im just kind of confused about everything... .... <333 -Me

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

Sorry... [30 Jan 2004|06:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

To everyone who enjoys reading my journal...

I just felt alot of my most recent entries shouldnt be public..

Sorry the lack of updating...

Lets just say i had a bad day...=\

I'll be fine soon enough...

-Ron

Question of the Day:
"Did you go to Dillinger?"

Quote of the Day:
"Stay with me
Cigarettes in open air
Hand in hand and i said
Stay with me...
Cuz every star that i see
is brighter than the last"-Finch

3 Reasons My Heart Beats In Breakdowns

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